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Lion of an Appetite

Leah M. HintonFebruary 14, 2011Leave a Reply

Lion of an Appetite . . .

Today my brother and I went to the zoo. I would never have imagined going to the zoo with him, let alone with our children. It was so fun and we were in total synch.

We had such a great time and truly enjoyed our time with our children. We learned so much about each other. Like the fact he is in his thirties and has never been on a carousel/merry-go-round. Or that I don’t like raw onions — I only want to eat them when they are cooked. Silly stuff really but the kind of stuff that fills all of the nooks and crannies — tiny vacant spaces nestled in your knowledge of someone. My picture of him is becoming more complete — therefore I am becoming more complete (and hopefully a little smaller too)

The program is starting to become more routine. I was surprised at how easy it was to stay on program. I packed an orange and a banana in my bag to snack on at the zoo I drank water instead of a soda from the snack pavilion.

The one thing I didn’t count on, was with all of the excitement and all of the time outside walking the expanse of our little version of the Serengeti, was the lion sized appetite I came home with.

I blew through an amazingly large number of points in one meal — dinner. I thought I was totally over budget. All in all, I only went 5 points over my daily points!

I FELT ravenous. Almost out of control hungry and even though I blew through so many points, the fact that I had stayed on program the rest of the day made this a day I don’t have to feel ashamed of. Of course, weigh in is tomorrow — oopsie)

Well, tomorrow starts a new week for me — week 3 on the program.

The Rest Is Up To Us . . .

Leah M. HintonFebruary 13, 2011Leave a Reply

The following is a post from my old blog which is now defunct . It is eons old, but I always liked it. So it will live here now.

The Rest is Up to Us . . .

02/13/2011

As many of you know, I haven’t seen my brother in ages. Did I tell you that sweet boy is a man now? Amazing! I have been afraid of the “catching up” process and hoping we would still like each other after all these years. He used to think I hung the moon, but I never did hang the moon. I was worried about the real me competing with the old, faintly exaggerated memory of me.

He showed up this morning and suddenly I was hurled back to the 1970s. I could see his white blond hair and bright blue eyes, green striped shirt and all the love, hope and admiration he used to show me when he would follow me, running in the tall grass in the field behind our grandparents’ house. I was looking at a grown man and seeing the boy who had meant so much to me. He is my BROTHER. Mine. Mine. Mine.

For some of you that might not mean much – you might have had your brother around so much that he made you crazy, or maybe you just didn’t click. But this is MY BROTHER and that is a very big deal to me. We never got to grow up together. I was the product of a frantically passionate teenage marriage fraught with pain and infidelity. My mom was 14 when she got pregnant with me. The marriage ended when I was quite young. My brother was the product of our father’s second marriage, his mother and his upcoming birth the reason my dad left us. This dynamic did not lend itself to happy family gatherings and as a matter of fact effort was made to keep us apart.

But some things you just can’t stop. Like the sun setting. Good byes from hurting. And the pull between two kids given a bum rap from the start.

When I was a little older I moved away with my mom and my new dad to a whole new life far away. We drifted physical and emotional miles from each other and the hurt that comes with separation became like a neat little package you tie up with string and store some place private and dark. Secreted away in the deepest recesses of your heart. What starts as a sharp, mind obliterating pain ebbs into just a dull, hollow echo of a life that is long past.

This morning he walked in my front door with his beautiful family and hugged me.

He said “Hey ya, sis.” and looked at me like I hung the moon.

I teared up, but I held it together. I didn’t let myself cry. I wanted to be the picture of happy (and believe me I was happy) but I was also pretty pissed off too.

How dare all the powers that be – my parents, his parents, hurt egos, offended pride, the he said/she said garbage that comes with the destruction of a family keep us away from each other for so long.

He seemed to know what I was thinking. He said he had given it a lot of thought over the years and he was glad things worked out the way they did and that he has no regrets.

“It made us who we are, Leah, and we both survived. No, we both thrived.” He grinned. “And we’re not that damaged.”

I hugged him. We are strong and we can recognize BS before it gets on our shoes. We know what real love is. And we let love win.

As far as he was concerned we had simply hit “pause” and are now back, full-swing. All the love that was there from before is bubbling back like a dry river bed suddenly awash with new life.

Every night, as I come here to talk about my day I am happy, but tonight I am more than happy. It is a feeling I can’t even put into words. I feel like an old mama dog who won’t rest until all of her pups are accounted for. It is like I have been counting and coming up short for so much of my life but now the numbers are finally right. I just can’t explain it.

I sit here in peace. Content. Today was a big step in healing old wounds. It just goes to show our past isn’t the end all be all of our lives. We actually have a say in how things go from here on out. The rest really is up to us.

The Speed of Light

Leah M. HintonFebruary 12, 2011Leave a Reply

The Speed of Light

My baby brother is coming to town. I am excited to see him and his wonderful family. (His son is pictured with me in the blog pic — about 12 years ago)

I’ve only seen my brother twice in the last 25 years or so. It blows m mind when I think of that. Time doesn’t just fly, it zooms by so fast I can only barely comprehend it — it is as fast as the speed of light.

I think it is the “lightspeed” at which time zooms past us that has me at WW. My health was something I was going to see to when I had time. Well, realistically, when do we ever have time? I mean, it took what seems like no time at all to gain over 100 pounds.

Health isn’t something you see to in your spare time. You need to make it a vital part of your life. We live in a country with wealth to spare. Our children are afforded opportunities other children dream of — but I can’t recall anyone ever impressing upon me the vital, absolutely imperative need to protect my health. Duh.

We had gym class, health class and for those of us who are a little older, home ed. But no one told us how it really is when you are seriously overweight and unhealthy.

No one ever told me how hard it would be for me to tie my shoes or paint my toenails — or how or how hard it would be to get up and down off the floor. No one said it would make sitting in small theater seats uncomfortable or make travel almost unbearable. Nobody said it would be harder to be taken seriously in many areas. No one said it would be extra hard to look good in clothes. No one said I’d miss out on fun stuff with my children because I’m just too tired. No one said my children would never get to go to a water park because mommy was too embarrassed;

I’ve missed out on some great things — now don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful life and I love every minute of it most days. I just wish I had had the sense, when I was young, to preserve my health.

Of course, on the flip side, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to meet all of you.

Excuse Me While I Eat This

Leah M. HintonFebruary 11, 2011Leave a Reply

Exklks mwe wfile y edw tski” she said with her mouth full.

Most simply — excuse me while I eat this” is the translation.

More deeply the translation is Excuse me while I stuff this in my mouth because I’ve had an awful day”.

I used all of my daily points today and dipped into my extra points and used five. Seriously five. Remember that box of candy I was given early in the week in the teacher’s lounge? Well, lets just say I tested it — a sort of quality control if you will. All in all, it is amazing that I only used five extra points.

I woke up this morning and one of my dogs had been sick in the night. He vomited and had diarrhea in my living room. I was totally disgusted and did not have the extra time to clean it up so that pushed me behind. (and yes, of course, I cleaned it up.) Also, we’ve had snow days the last two weeks. It has been very cold. I went out to my car and found that I was nearly out of gas and getting gas would make me even later so I coasted into work on fumes. I got to work and the heat wasn’t working in my wing of the building. Yay. I get to teach with my coat on. The internet connection was down so the video I was going to show my 20th-century American history kids wouldn’t play on my computer. We ended up watching it on my phone. Luckily it was short, only about 2 minutes.

Then I had an encounter with the emotional mom of one of my Roman History students. She was waiting outside my classroom. Her son is failing. It is a shame, but he won’t listen. He refuses to do homework and acts out every single class day. He had the gall to tell his mom that his low grade (38) is because I don’t teach. The most incredible thing is that he actually persuaded her that this is true. I pointed out that he is the only one of my students failing, because even those who have trouble are willing to work hard to complete the extra credit I offer. I understand that Roman history is not everyone’s first love but it is a fascinating subject if you give it half a chance. He gives it no chance and I have bent over backward to help him and he refuses to be helped.

Well, I stayed calm and talked to her about his options, but this was just one more thing — the straw that broke the camel’s back. Now I think it will all work out in the end, but I hate that I had to defend myself when I had done nothing wrong. Of course, it was all made worse by the fact I am starting my period in a day or so and I’m irrationally sensitive at that time anyway and I’m expecting a house full of people all weekend and I haven’t cleaned my house yet (except for the mess the dog made.)

So I buried my frustration in a chocolate caramel nut piece of candy. Normally it wouldn’t have been a big deal because I love saving enough points to cover a dessert. It makes me feel like I’ve finished the day’s worth of food. It is the sort of ritual that helps me turn off cravings later in the night. But out of frustration I over-indulged in dinner and had three, count them 1, 2, 3 fish tacos and a beer so there wasn’t really any wiggle room. And I was saving the extra points for a family reunion this weekend where BBQ will be served. Mmm

Now I know it isn’t the end of the world. I know tomorrow will be a better day and that I will do better — but it IS alarming that I can get so easily flustered. Hormones shouldn’t make me lose my sense of purpose and focus, nor should a sick dog, a car with no gas, being late for work, an unheated classroom and an emotional mom who is scared for her child’s education, a dirty house and company in route as we speak.

My goal now is to become healthy. Thin is just a nice side effect of a healthier me. This is something that should always be in the front of my mind. I can’t lose sight of it because I want to be around to see my children grow up. Being overweight by significantly more than 100 pounds limits my future and I swear my future is worth preserving.

So here is to WW and staying on program. I wish us all a successful day tomorrow…

Free Fruit and Other Things to Get Excited About

Leah M. HintonFebruary 9, 2011Leave a Reply

Free Fruit and other Things to Get Excited About

Today was really cold. When I woke up it was 16 degrees with a wind chill of -4. Well needless to say I did not go walk or even step outside to go to my mailbox. I mean wow — not the usual weather for north Texas.

School was closed so I didn’t have to go to work. I decided to spend a great deal of my day connecting with friends. It is always fun to touch base with friends you don’t get to see regularly.

One friend mentioned a big four letter word — DIET. I refuse to call what I am doing a diet because of all of the negative implications that ugly word brings to mind. And quite frankly I haven’t yet encountered a single thing I am not allowed on this program. The only thing required of me is accountability. So no, I do not count WW as a diet. I often refer to it as a program but not a diet.

My friend then proferred a wealth of advice and went on to tell me about the wonderful new diet she is on. Why, she has lost an amazing 18 pounds already since the second week in January. At first my ears pricked up and I thought “amazing, I want to lose 18 pounds in a month”

She went on to tell me she had found a miracle product which “Really works”.

I’ve never believed in a magic pill or in this instance a liquid that would work magic. Like people always say; I didn’t get this way overnight — I cant become thin overnnight either.

Amazed but now a little suspicious I went on to ask her more.

Me: Do you have to spend hours in the gym?

Her: “Oh no, I don’t work out at all.”

Me: How often do you take this miracle product?

Her: Just a few times a day, super easy to remember because you are so motivated by the outstanding results!”

Me: “Is it expensive?”

Her “ No, as a matter of fact, my food bill went way down.”

Then she added:

“All I have to do is limit my food intake to 500 calories a day.”

What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

With WW we don’t count calories — as a matter of fact, I’m sure I would find that if I did count calories I would see that my free fruit alone is more calories than she is allowed all day. I suddenly felt sad for my friend.

I don’t know about you, but that is not how I want to live. What happens when she is finished with her diet and tries to eat real food again? She hasn’t learned anything in this process and her old habits will return — only this time probably ten fold since her metabolism will be wrecked.

At first WW seemed slow and I wasn’t sure I would have the patience for it. I mean 1 lb a week seems like a lifetime when you have over 100 pounds to lose.

Now, as I sit here with my tummy full of turkey chili verde and a whopping 8 points left in my day I contemplate dessert. It won’t be big. It need not be big to make me feel complete and stated. Maybe a ginger cookie and a glass of milk.

I am thrilled with WW and the fact that I don’t have pressure to lose 18 pounds in one month. I am thrilled that I am learning how to control my portions. I am thrilled that the accountability portion of the program isn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

So here’s to free fruit and veg. I am so thankful now, every time I have (a) banana, blackberry, tomato, carrot, strawberry, apple, peach, pear, cabbage, orange, mango, raspberry, pineapple, green-bean, bell pepper, broccoli, celery kiwi, watermelon, spinach, grape, clementine, tangerine, grapefruit …

My Brain is Hungry

Leah M. HintonFebruary 8, 2011Leave a Reply

My Brain is Hungry

We ate dinner at a restaurant which does not have nutrition info posted, available or on-line. I did my best with the tracker to come up with point values. In order to err on the side of caution, I upped the points values to be sure I was covered, so today’s tracker total is completely padded.

Even with the extra padding I put in the tracker for my points, I ended the day within my daily range and am feeling pretty good. However, I’m hungry. Now my WW leader Lori says you need to decide if you are tummy hungry or head hungry — in other words are you truly hungry or is it just your head telling you to eat for one reason or another. Well, I thought long and hard and realized I am not tummy hungry. As far as my tummy goes, I am totally satisfied, but my brain keeps telling me I need more.

I could back off the points padding I did on the tracker and eat something else, but I am trying not to eat for the sake of eating. The dilemma is I really don’t know why I am wanting food so badly right now. Quite frankly, I’ve been wanting stuff all day. It started int he teacher’s lounge when all of the teachers were gifted with a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. I stayed out of them. Then when I took my daughter to swim team practice, the fried chicken place across the street was cooking up yummy things and the parking lot smelled delicious.

I’m not sure what is happening today but maybe it is a sense of anxiety. I’m anxious about my family coming to visit this weekend. I’m also about to start my cycle and that always makes me hungry and I overall don’t have a sense of ease about things. Yet I couldn’t tell you exactly what is making me freak out. I just wish when things get tough I wouldn’t reach for food.

Maybe it is just this is week 2 of WW and the first week came so easily because we were snowed in (by Texas standards, for the week and school was closed and I didn’t have to get into a new diet and my old routine at the same time, while this week I do.

So here I am getting ready for bed thinking about the big box of chocolates on my kitchen counter. I’m thinking about how great donuts would be for breakfast. I’m thinking about how id love to prepare a huge BBQ feast for my brother this weekend. I’m thinking about everything I shouldn’t be thinking about.
I know someday I will succeed and I won’t weigh a bajillion pounds anymore, but I’m wondering will I ever be able to escape this hold food has on my every waking moment. I’m truly a slave to my addiction and am wanting to break free.

I really expected the hard stuff to come later when I was sick of WW and sick of dieting. I really love the program now and am excited about a new life. However, I can’t help but wonder, should it be this hard this soon?

I Bet 25 WW Points on the Superbowl . . .

Leah M. HintonFebruary 6, 2011Leave a Reply

I Bet 25 WW Points on the Superbowl . . .I hate to gamble. I hate to get nothing for my money. I went to a casino once, lost about $12 then decided it wasn’t for me. My mom and other friends said I did it all

I hate to gamble. I hate to get nothing for my money. I went to a casino once, lost about $12 then decided it wasn’t for me. My mom and other friends said I did it all wrong. They said I should have gone with a certain amount of money, prepared to lose it all and consider it money spent on an entertaining evening…much like going to a movie or play. Well, this concept made a lot of sense to me even if I have no desire to go back to the casino, so I put this theory to practice today for the Superbowl.

I ate well all week and saved my extra points. I went into today anticipating using all of my points and 25 of my extra points. I ate like a kind, queen really, and enjoyed the day. I didn’t stress abut points at all but I DID track my points like a good girl 🙂

I made a luscious Irish stew with dark beer and butter eve. I made nachos later in the day and had the two I allotted for myself. My children made homemade rice krispy treats. I had a little of everything and went over in points — just like I had planned.

This took the stress out of the day. Just like at a casino, I knew that I was willing to bet on the superbowl — 25 points.

Now weigh in is tomorrow and I probably won’t see a big loss if any, but I’m still okay with that because if I’m going to make this lifestyle change and not feel the deprivation associated with DIET than I need to feel in control and not the least bit tortured by my chosen life.

With this technique, I will master life’s celebrations which are usually accompanied by food and learn that I am controlling what I don’t eat just as easily as I can control what I do eat. This is my journey. I will learn not put myself down or have any internal negative speech for blowing it and it makes the approach of tomorrows weight in nothing to be afraid of.

I have a friend who ate super clean today for the superbowl. I am so very proud of her — but no more proud of her than I am myself. I had a plan lived it, rocked it. Totally socked it. Yay me. (and way to go Packers!)

Finga Lickin’ Good

Leah M. HintonFebruary 5, 2011Leave a Reply

Finga Lickin’ Good . . .

So how many points is the miscellaneous foods you lick off your fingers or the spoon?

I didn’t even realize I was doing this ’till today when I prepared peanut butter sandwiches for my children. I licked the spoon and instantly though. “Wow, that peanut butter tastes phenomenal.” It was probably one of the most calorie rich, fat dense foods I’ve had all week. I was seriously doing the eyes rolling back in my head, ecstasy laden happiness face. Then “snap” I was quickly thrust from my happy place. How many points have I used up this week licking spoons, forks, knives, fingers?????? I didn’t even realize I was a serial finger licker. (Isn’t it odd what you find out about yourself when you try to change your life!)

I thought long and hard and had no recollection of what all I have added to my intake this week. I’ve probably licked a dozen spoons this week. So I journaled a spoon full of peanut butter today, even though I doubt I got that much — but I wanted to be safe rather than sorry.

The big bummer part is that I have been saving my extra points for Superbowl Sunday and now I wonder how many I actually have . . .

So beware my friends, of all of the sneaky points clamoring to live on your thighs and spoil your weigh in. 🙂

The Fat Lady is Singing . . .

Leah M. HintonFebruary 4, 2011Leave a Reply

The Fat Lady is Singing . . .

I’m sure you’ve heard “It’s not over till the fat lady sings.” Well, I’ve been singing for years and my old, big girl ways haven’t come to an end. Every day I fill myself with some yummy goodie that was horrible for my health. Once in a while, that wouldn’t have been a problem — but daily abuse of my body is no way to live.

I felt sluggish. Lethargic. OLD. (I’m almost 40 and that is still young in my book!) One of my favorite things is to grab my guitar and write songs. My sad, old lethargic-self didn’t even have the energy for that anymore. It is a pretty sad thing when you don’t have time or energy for the things that give you joy.

Well, here I am, on day 4. I feel mighty full, I might add and still have points to spare. No sense of deprivation here. Already, I am noticing the brain fog lifting. Already I have more energy because I am fueling my body with quality whole foods.

In four days on WW I am back to writing songs and am actually getting more housework done. (Not to mention the fact I homeschool my children and that takes up a great big chunk of my day and usually leaves me tired — but not this week)

I imagine there will be a time when the newness wears off and I am not the HUGE fan of the program I am today — but I’m so excited I can’t see it coming anytime soon. Usually I am really ready to be done with a diet two days in. Of course I hear so many on here say it is not a diet, but a lifestyle change.

I can’t wait to get my old body back. (I sed to be a very fit personal trainer who looked good in anything. Ahhhh, the good old days!)

So for now the fat lady is singing (and hopefully shrinking)My old ways are over. I’m finallly seeing light at the end of my very large tunnel. 🙂

Honey, Could You Make Fried Chicken …

Leah M. HintonFebruary 3, 2011Leave a Reply

Honey, Could You Make Fried Chicken and Mashed Potatoes with Gravy?” . . . Seriously?

You ever have one of those days where you think things are going downhill only to find out they are exactly the way they are supposed to be?

I love my husband. I REALLY love my husband, but one of the issues I have identified as being a part of my weight problem is that not only do I love food, but my husband does too. Neither of us is strong for the other when it comes to food. All it has ever taken for a diet to fail is for one of us to suggest dinner out “just once more before we get serious about our health”.

Well, today is day three on the program. My husband has been good, eating what I’ve been eating and surely he will see some benefit. Then today he asked for fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy. He also put in his request for the weekend. He asked for homemade Irish stew with homemade rolls, chili with cornbread and a number of other yummy things. I was so frustrated I was close to serving him the toy versions in the pic. (but I’ve gotta remember he wouldn’t want the green beans — ha)

I know there are healthier versions out there, and as good as that sounds, it is NOT what he wants. I told him things are going to be different. I told him that eating like that once in awhile would be fine, but we can’t eat like that every day. (I’ve home cooked 1-3 meals a day forever!) then I sat back and waited for the complaining.

It never came! He thought about it and I guess he realized I am serious and that we really need to see to our health. He finally came back with — “you wanna try a lean ground turkey chili with beans so we have more fiber?”

I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. All these years I thought there would NEVER be a day he would eat something like that and here he was open to compromise. I sold my husband short presuming he would react a certain way if I pushed my health goals onto him. How sad that I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. How many years earlier might we have tackled our health issues if we had just kept the lines of communication open instead of presuming to know what the other would want.

I guess my message to all of you is “Speak up for yourself and give your significant other the benefit of the doubt…you shouldn’t have to this alone!”